Sunday, 4 December 2016

One Way Street

What I write today is dedicated to a special person in my life. The one, the only.. thus far. The one I have truly loved, and now continue to with increased fervour, as I found out today. She’s the woman of my dreams, my ticket to the divine, the absolute. The untouchable one. So close, yet out of reach. Never too far away, never too close. In a state of constant departure while always arriving. I cannot live without her presence, albeit as a memory. And I doubt I would be able to function with her presence, but that must be treated as out of question. No she does not want my ring, no she isn’t keen on tying me a rakhi. A friend with a special connection is her preferred way of being, but the suspense drives me insane. I wonder if I can truly love anybody else, while she is still a possibility, a distant but achieveable possibility. Yet again she has me under her spell, just where she wants me — at arm’s length.

This too is a lesson for me, from life.. can I hope without expectation? Can I love without condition? Can I relinquish my hold, my desire of the most precious, desirable person I have ever come across, while still continuing to cherish her presence. Can I be detatched to the person I feel most attachment towards? Can I control my tempestous mind, my instinct, my masculine nature; can I overcome my need for success, achievement, closure? Can I be content with second best, in seemingly the most important race? Can I love, cherish, appreciate true beauty from a distance, as I have often preached? Can I settle for reality and tame my idealism? Can I settle for being a fallible human being, than the supreme master of the universe? Can I leave things to destiny, and let it determine my fate? I wish I didn’t have to, but can I? Will I?

It would be wrong to say I have never experienced true (romantic) love. They say it’s beautiful, and full of suffering. That it’s full of sacrifices, a constant efort at rising above your past self. I see it now. I have been in it all this while, but I admit, concede, accept it now. Love hurts, but love cleanses, liberates, helps us transcend mundane reality. It is always unconditional, always one sided, and often without return. But to love is love’s greatest reward. To see the loved one happy fills one with boundless joy. And to make her happy, I must love again. Move on.. find someone else.

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

Move Your Body

2016-11-15 10:26 PM
It takes a lot for me to feel happy, fine, alright. Today it took an admittance of suicidal intention, a lot of drama with mom, a long walk from Hiranandani to Splendor, 2 Prestiqs, One escitalopram, a strong coffee, several cigarettes and mindful meditation for me to feel fine again. And realise that I'm acting like an idiot, uncontrolled, wild, unhuman, and honestlyin an unacceptable way. And also to realise there are many things that I can and want to do, and that doing those things will make life not only better, but perhaps even enjoyable.

I must try to make the most of these times when I feel well, and make committments and roadmaps, as well as guidelines for when I'm not feeling well. Yes I'm seriously depressed, and suicidal. There is no hiding away from this reality. Yes, in general I am disillusioned by society and desire something extraordinary, superhuman. But a part of this desire also stems from my personal issues - insecurity, fear of failure, abject laziness, procrastination, an all or nothing attitude, negligence of physical exercise or any activity, self created isolation. And most importantly, idleness. They lead to depression and depression leads to them. Balance is very important for a healthy, happy, full and satisfying life.

People are not stupid, even the ones that glide along in life, do the pop things, and never think deeply. That they do well means they do certain things right - whether out of (physical, mental or emotional) instinct, tradition, following the herd, or individual choice. Most people end up a full life because they keep living, stay balanced, do (more or less) the right things to lead a healthy life.. whether they are completely aware of it or not. For example dancing at a party or club creates euphoria, releases endorphins/serotonin, helps one unwind and release pent up frustrations, creates a blissful, meditative, at times orgasmic experience when the body moves in harmony with music. It creates a feeling of commonality, oneness with people around and the music; and perhaps many more things that are hard to fathom by our (my) limited minds. People's rason to dance might be lame and seemingly shallow, but that dosn't change the effects, the experience.

Yes to think, enquire, question, ponder is noble. But it is equally important to live, act out, do seemingly mundane and superficial things, yet do them to the best of our abilities, with all our minds presence, mindfully, authentically. Zen, or the way of the Tao lies in everything we do - so I have heard and want to believe. The mind is hard to shut up, specially at times like these when everything seems pointless, and an inner explosion of bliss (awakening) seems to be the only thing that appeals. Now more than ever, I must live, act mindlessly at first if necessary, but act nonetheless, and be in the moment, not stuck inside my head. Why? Because mommy says so, and the doc, and my closest friends, and every self help book/article out there. For once just follow and don't question. God knows your life depends on it.

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Right Here Right Now

NOW is the time I finally start living the life I have always wanted to live; my dream life.

NOW is the time I finally become the person I have always wanted to be; my ideal self.

NOW is the time I fully commit to living life to the best of my capacity. Time I start doing all the things I have ever wanted to do.

NOW is the time I live in the present, not yesterday or tomorrow. Every single day, every hour and minute.

NOW is the time I devote myself wholeheartedly to making the most of right now. Time I live every moment to it's fullest; squeeze every drop.

NOW is the time I give my 100% effort in everything I do, nothing less. Time I stop quitting midway.

NOW is the time I stop compromising, settling for less than what I really want. Time I stop holding myself back (for self preservation? for later?).

NOW is the time I wake up from my blissful slumber and face reality. Time I accept myself for who I am, than living in denial; be completely true to myself.

NOW is the time I rid myself of guilt, shame or regret. Time I forgive myself unconditionally for mistakes in the past.

NOW is the time I stop kidding myself.. making excuses, cover ups. Time I stop complaining, blaming others for why things are the way they are. Just fucking stop.

NOW is the time I kick out my inner demons - self doubt, negativity, worry. Time I stop doubting my ability, sabotaging my own happiness. No more.

NOW is the time I let go off my inhibitions, fear, shyness. Time I stop being afraid of what other people might think.

NOW is the time I stand up; emerge from hiding behind the shadows. Time I unleash the real me, let my inner natural self emerge.

NOW is the time I start moving directly toward my goals, instead of fucking about. Time I start doing the things I know are right; quit doing the things I know are wrong.

NOW is the time I stop procrastinating on the things I know I need to do. Time I stop yielding to temptation, looking for instant gratification.

NOW is the time I take complete responsibility and ownership of my life: the captain of my ship. Time I start living my own life instead of imitating somebody else's.

NOW is the time I rise above mediocrity. Above my old self. Time I make myself count in the world, become my own superhero.


It isn't too late.

It isn't too soon.

The time is now.


Words are shit. Intentions are shit. Action is all that matters. Do it.

Keep moving forward.

Friday, 4 March 2016

A Model of the Dating World

(Image credit: OkCupid blog)


This model explains preferences for dating, relationships, sexual activity and even friendships. It's a macro level analysis - individual differences/preferences would always exist. After all, that's what saves the world from being completely deterministic, and people being robotic and completely predictable!

Terminology:
Agent (n). A person in the system
Mate (n). A prospective partner
Score (v). To gain access to, as desired (i.e. for dating/sex/marriage/offspring)

Statement: There exists a definite, indisputable dating economy, or System. Everybody has a market value (or level). This is based primarily on looks (fitness, attractive features, visibly health and radiance) but also on wealth, intelligence, wisdom, degree of self actualisation, and even environment of residence.

Agents typically like to go for a mate ABOVE their own level, and tend to be dismissive about the ones below them. Often agents (esp males) tend to be ambitious and attempt to score mates way above their league. On the other hand, agents' acceptance/tolerance for mates below their level varies, and is an individual difference. Most of the times, agents are aware exactly what their value is. Some (often males) tend to be delusional and overly optimistic about their value, and this is an evolutionary coping strategy. On the other hand, a very select few agents of high value (typically female) aren't aware of their worth, or choose to ignore or rise above physical standards of worth. These are the golden nuggets that represent hope for the average agent and a justification to keep trying outside their league!

A lot of the dating system world on evolutionary principles. Everybody wants an elite mate, one they can have superior offspring with. Of course not all agents are consciously aware of this at all times, but it is hard coded in each agent's automatic behaviour and instincts.. and thus manifests itself anyway. Of course, as designed by nature, males chase females. This may give the impression that females on average possess higher value than males, but this is not true and it evens out in the long run.

Now because everybody desires and attempts to score the top agents, we naturally find the skewed 99%-1% pattern emerging (similar to the well known income disparity). For example, the top 1% (percentile) of females are desired by 99% of males. It's unfortunate but very real - the world is not a level playing field.

This manifests itself in localised circles, like in a school classroom or a group of friends, and is particularly apparent online. Social sites like Facebook/Twitter and dating sites like Tinder/OkCupid are the ideal environments where these patterns naturally emerge and can be systematically observed. I believe the skewness is even more extreme in female agents, perhaps because since ancient times a woman's value has been linked to her physical beauty. For male agents, other factors such as wealth and social stature may offset physical "fit"ness, thus making it harder to assign a concrete value. Research shows female attractiveness is more universal and less subjective than for males.

Insight: "Number of likes per picture is a signifier of popularity, but also perceived attractiveness and market value."

Example 1. A Facebook profile picture of a top 1% female agent would receive, on average, 200+ likes (if it's flattering enough photo), whilst an average female might receive only 10.
Example 2. An OkCupid profile of a "fit" girl (real or fake!) would receive on average 100 messages per day, whilst for an average girl it might be 1 or 2 a day. (I have empirical evidence for this!)

Of course, the 99% population contains gradation too. Within the 99% there are moderately attractive agents, average ones and ugly ones (unfortunately true) that nobody desires. It's a spectrum of desirability that we choose to look as a binary split in this instance.

What does this mean to YOU, an individual with free will; the agent you care about most? Do you know what your market value is yet? Sorry to break it to you, but statistically speaking you are most likely in the 99%. Would you continue to chase the 1%, or try to spot a hidden gem that self identifies as merely average. Bottom line: How much do looks matter to you?.. Can you break free of your evolutionary instincts?

Further Reading: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Canada: First Impressions

(The views represented in the following post are personal, subjective and fluid. No offence is intended.)

Note To Self: People can be very diverse. If anything, the observable extremes have been stretched wider in Canada.

I guess it's important to pen down thoughts when they come, given my memory. Best to showcase significant experiences, or risk losing them.

I've lived a long day today, and interacted with multiple diverse personalities. I am floored by how different people here in Toronto have been, both good and bad. On the one hand there are the extremely friendly, outgoing and helpful - typical of North America really as I'm finding (not just in the US). On the other hand, in a brief period I've come across people that have given me rather bitter experiences; people that have been closed minded, racist, condescending, rude, arrogant, and deliberately perverse. Not all the same person of course. I have also encountered not one but two elaborate scammers, and an organisation that's tried to be a cunning opportunist.

Overall though, I don't believe Canada is a real country. It's borrowed it's identity from Americans and immigrants. The only thing I find ingenious and impressive is the country's ability to cope with extreme cold. I do believe though that the country needs a few original, dynamic people to step forward and drive the country's economy and society forward. Likely immigrants. Perhaps I'd be one of them.

I don't mean to say it's a bad country though. A replica needn't necessarily be a cheap imitation. Canada is still a well developed country, hosting a diverse population. It is perhaps a placid, peaceful and socialist version of America, which is not a bad thing. Undoubtedly, the entire North American continent lacks the rich cultural heritage, of the UK and Europe.. or even India, each of which I inevitably use as reference. Again, this doesn't spell doom. In fact, as more and more countries become globalised, and people begin to identify as global citizens than rigid nationals, Toronto and Canada would be yet another hotpot of diverse cultures and individuals. It probably is one already. This begs the question, if all cities become international hubs, how do you separate one from another? As the world dissolves into one, on what basis do you choose one country of residence over the other? This may be entering the zone of the unknown unknown, a future that's hard to predict, let alone visualise. Hard not to be excited, or at least look forward to a new world paradigm.

Also, could this be a return of Cranberry Sauce.. or was this just a caffeine and novelty induced one off?