Monday, 10 December 2012

The unheard voice

People achieve catharsis in different ways - exercise, sex, music, food, good sleep, friends, spending time with a loved one, alcohol, drugs. I do it through writing, or at least hope to. It's hard to put into words the intense (lack of) emotion I currently feel, but there has to be an outlet. Solace sounds like a distant and academically comforting term. So do friends, and lovers. There is nothing man can't do when he works to the best of his mental prowess, very little that he can without it's cooperation.

Society rewards extroverts for their default behaviour. The world rewards and outward display of everything - emotions, words, opinions and actions. Even a temporary introvert must suffer the punishment of misjudgement, and decisions taken for him, on his behalf, without his permission. The world loves labels, although it's constituents hate being labelled themselves. Money matters, and so does drama. The best actor wins the prize for richest, most sought after, most respected, most loved, most credible source of coexistence. The introvert watches on, waiting for his turn. Waiting for the adjudicator to ask his opinion. He would likely wait forever, unless he makes peace with what really is, what really matters and who we really are. The answer to all this is of course - nothing.

I ask myself the same questions time and again, sometimes desperately, sometimes unknowingly, but the virtual nag remains. The weight. Sometimes I forget what I am after, but do always remember that I am after the answer, the solution, the elixir. There are times I can't think straight like right now; when logic, purpose, drive evade me, let alone belonging. But there remains a belief that this can be done. That next time will be the time. But also that unfortunately not this time. I'm just about sick of hearing 'not this time' now, it's been way too long.

An introvert needs to be very self assured to survive, and thrive. And thrive he can, but only when the internal demographics have sorted themselves out - with constant tidying up, repainting and renovation. Society doesn't do any favours, but it never has. Coexistent and competitive - that's the way we are designed to live, although I question the designer. We are also preached to live with passion, aggression and strong resolve. Society rewards people of strength, especially among men. It also punishes the weak and vulnerable, in all forms and quite consistently. Indecisive is weak, flexible may also be considered weak. Impatience to achieve goals, misalignment with society, and any displays of incompetence - physical or mental can mean a big setback in this points based scoring for individuals within society. On the other hand, show-boating, cockiness, abandonment of those that live independent of social code, ridicule, social canvassing, use of clout to achieve or trounce - these are considered traits of strength and nobility. The opinion of the man with the strongest backing is always right - but this backing may not arise from competence or rational election. Society is flawed.

The independent introvert does not only get out-voiced by the extrovert social, he is also everyday fighting a battle to safeguard his colour, his stance so that one day he may be able to overcome the non-existent noise and live in personal righteousness. And hopefully influence a crowd of his own.