Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Internal Conversation

It's nothing really. The magnitude seldom, if ever, seeps into the consciousness; the external turmoil is safely padded by layers of rust and fat.

I used to love, and hope and fear, and feel the joy in living. Now, I feel nothing. There is a burn, steady and uneasy, but no more than that. I often wonder why it must – actually I don't.

The need to conform to a style of writing vaguely nags me, but I endure it, like dozens of others every day. My fear of writing wrong impedes me from writing at all – this must be a writer’s worst nightmare come true; after perhaps the dread of understanding the implications of his own writing.

I do believe everything is a piece of a large montage that will eventually add up; but then I have begun to realise it might be beyond human capacity to see it.

I cling persistently to the thought that another world exists somewhere and that I wouldn't have to get my hands dirty after all. But it seems only a matter of time now.

The more the random real and the Utopian dream rift, the more I find myself being stretched, trying to keep a foot in both boats, deferring the point where I must make a choice by a few more moments.

I have lately often found myself saying – what is there to do in life? I wonder if any among mothers, money or medicines have the answer to it.

I turn within for answers and hit a brick wall. I look outside and get mocked.

The more I learn, the more I am driven inward.

Every time I publish one of these, I sell a part of my soul.

But I do survive, and I will.

I hope.