2016-11-15 10:26 PM
It takes a lot for me to feel happy, fine, alright. Today it took an admittance of suicidal intention, a lot of drama with mom, a long walk from Hiranandani to Splendor, 2 Prestiqs, One escitalopram, a strong coffee, several cigarettes and mindful meditation for me to feel fine again. And realise that I'm acting like an idiot, uncontrolled, wild, unhuman, and honestlyin an unacceptable way. And also to realise there are many things that I can and want to do, and that doing those things will make life not only better, but perhaps even enjoyable.
I must try to make the most of these times when I feel well, and make committments and roadmaps, as well as guidelines for when I'm not feeling well. Yes I'm seriously depressed, and suicidal. There is no hiding away from this reality. Yes, in general I am disillusioned by society and desire something extraordinary, superhuman. But a part of this desire also stems from my personal issues - insecurity, fear of failure, abject laziness, procrastination, an all or nothing attitude, negligence of physical exercise or any activity, self created isolation. And most importantly, idleness. They lead to depression and depression leads to them. Balance is very important for a healthy, happy, full and satisfying life.
People are not stupid, even the ones that glide along in life, do the pop things, and never think deeply. That they do well means they do certain things right - whether out of (physical, mental or emotional) instinct, tradition, following the herd, or individual choice. Most people end up a full life because they keep living, stay balanced, do (more or less) the right things to lead a healthy life.. whether they are completely aware of it or not. For example dancing at a party or club creates euphoria, releases endorphins/serotonin, helps one unwind and release pent up frustrations, creates a blissful, meditative, at times orgasmic experience when the body moves in harmony with music. It creates a feeling of commonality, oneness with people around and the music; and perhaps many more things that are hard to fathom by our (my) limited minds. People's rason to dance might be lame and seemingly shallow, but that dosn't change the effects, the experience.
Yes to think, enquire, question, ponder is noble. But it is equally important to live, act out, do seemingly mundane and superficial things, yet do them to the best of our abilities, with all our minds presence, mindfully, authentically. Zen, or the way of the Tao lies in everything we do - so I have heard and want to believe. The mind is hard to shut up, specially at times like these when everything seems pointless, and an inner explosion of bliss (awakening) seems to be the only thing that appeals. Now more than ever, I must live, act mindlessly at first if necessary, but act nonetheless, and be in the moment, not stuck inside my head. Why? Because mommy says so, and the doc, and my closest friends, and every self help book/article out there. For once just follow and don't question. God knows your life depends on it.
It takes a lot for me to feel happy, fine, alright. Today it took an admittance of suicidal intention, a lot of drama with mom, a long walk from Hiranandani to Splendor, 2 Prestiqs, One escitalopram, a strong coffee, several cigarettes and mindful meditation for me to feel fine again. And realise that I'm acting like an idiot, uncontrolled, wild, unhuman, and honestlyin an unacceptable way. And also to realise there are many things that I can and want to do, and that doing those things will make life not only better, but perhaps even enjoyable.
I must try to make the most of these times when I feel well, and make committments and roadmaps, as well as guidelines for when I'm not feeling well. Yes I'm seriously depressed, and suicidal. There is no hiding away from this reality. Yes, in general I am disillusioned by society and desire something extraordinary, superhuman. But a part of this desire also stems from my personal issues - insecurity, fear of failure, abject laziness, procrastination, an all or nothing attitude, negligence of physical exercise or any activity, self created isolation. And most importantly, idleness. They lead to depression and depression leads to them. Balance is very important for a healthy, happy, full and satisfying life.
People are not stupid, even the ones that glide along in life, do the pop things, and never think deeply. That they do well means they do certain things right - whether out of (physical, mental or emotional) instinct, tradition, following the herd, or individual choice. Most people end up a full life because they keep living, stay balanced, do (more or less) the right things to lead a healthy life.. whether they are completely aware of it or not. For example dancing at a party or club creates euphoria, releases endorphins/serotonin, helps one unwind and release pent up frustrations, creates a blissful, meditative, at times orgasmic experience when the body moves in harmony with music. It creates a feeling of commonality, oneness with people around and the music; and perhaps many more things that are hard to fathom by our (my) limited minds. People's rason to dance might be lame and seemingly shallow, but that dosn't change the effects, the experience.
Yes to think, enquire, question, ponder is noble. But it is equally important to live, act out, do seemingly mundane and superficial things, yet do them to the best of our abilities, with all our minds presence, mindfully, authentically. Zen, or the way of the Tao lies in everything we do - so I have heard and want to believe. The mind is hard to shut up, specially at times like these when everything seems pointless, and an inner explosion of bliss (awakening) seems to be the only thing that appeals. Now more than ever, I must live, act mindlessly at first if necessary, but act nonetheless, and be in the moment, not stuck inside my head. Why? Because mommy says so, and the doc, and my closest friends, and every self help book/article out there. For once just follow and don't question. God knows your life depends on it.
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